Tuesday, October 25, 2011

how to: make the man of your DREAMS fall for you

Let's face it, I'm an experienced dater. Throughout my years, I've accumulated certain nuggets of knowledge that have proven to produce results:

Make him do everything first. Don't let him know that you're interested. You don't want to freak him out.

Get his phone number from an obscure friend or off of facebook, and then text him and make him guess who you are. This will make him see that you are mysterious, and fun.

Refer to a mutual memory that he actually may not remember, but that was so significant to you that you wrote about it in your journal. This will bring you both happiness, for he will remember a great event, and also be in complete awe of how great your memory is.

Do his dishes, or help him fold laundry. This will show him both how domestic and how unselfish and giving you are.

Change your profile picture, so that you are both artsy and a gorgeous babe. He will  see your creative talent and beauty, and his feelings for you will change instantly.

Wear lots of make up, so that you look more like a Disney princess than yourself. Men go for big eyes and white smiles.

Bake him goodies. It's pretty probable that he likes food, so he'll probably like you too.

Make sure that your social network profile (you must have one, by the way) is such that it shows how popular and happy you are. When he sees you with all  your friends, he'll realize how much he wants to be one himself.

Ignore him sometimes. Also known as "playing Hard-to-Get," this will make him realize just how MUCH he needs you in his life. This includes:
  • Not responding to texts for at least 30 minutes
  • Sitting by him in class but not talking to him
  • Writing on his friend's walls, but not his
Be sporty/grungy. He will be so impressed by your apparent athleticism, that he'll dream about asking you out and playing basketball for eternity.  Additionally, he'll love that you are comfortable enough with yourself to be unpresentable in public.

Laugh extra loud. Make sure that you're animated. Bite your lip, twirl your hair, use your hands, you know, the normal batting-eyelashes type of stuff. He'll be hooked.

Remember where you run into him. Then go back there on similar days and watch that same area. Maybe you'll see him again. And then he'll be pleasantly surprised at how much you have in common.

If a song is playing that he knows and you don't, listen for a couple choruses, and then mumble-sing the vowels of the words so that he thinks you know the song. Music is huge. If you know songs, instant coolness in his book.

Research his favorite things. Then bring them up in a casual conversation. Once again, he'll be surprised at how much you have in common, and not creeped out at all.

But in all honesty, the best words come from Oscar Wilde:
"Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken."

[Edit: This is sarcasm. Some may work, but the logic behind them is seriously lacking sometimes...]


  1. I had to read this, considering your expertise. Very funny! Some of your points made me think of a stalker. Brought me back to the good old days when my roommates were stalked by strange men.

  2. Hahaa! It's DEFINITELY stalker-esque.

  3. Ha! So glad you told me about your blog, Cebre. This is awesome.