Confessions of a Crumpled Up Dollar Bill

My sweet husband has been working so hard to give himself (and our family) great opportunities in the future at internships and work that I've often been alone this summer. 

And by alone I mean lonely. Very lonely.

Spirits, like bodies, need nourishment and consistent care. Instead of filling my loneliness with something of substance, I search on social media for some type of interaction. I have spent my time on facebook, instagram, pinterest, blogs, reading comments on news and opinion articles... anything. All summer I've been telling myself that I've been fine. I haven't changed...

When we choose to consume the attitudes and opinions of the mass media, we find our own values and viewpoints following suit. We tell ourselves we’re not being affected by these messages, but that is not possible. 

- Elder Patrick Kearon, Opening Our Hearts to Revelation

Over the course of these past two or so months I've felt myself grow more cynical, judgmental, and pessimistic. I've had an extremely low perception of myself. Extremely low.

This is what I believe has happened:

I was not actively seeking to fill my heart with darkness. Instead, I was too casual about filling my soul with light. I told myself that I'm still doing as I should, but it's like my "spiritual feasting" has the nourishment of a stick of celery and my media intake has the indulgence and calories of a gallon of ice cream. In one sitting.

I think since I have been so absorbed in media, I have begun to focus solely on what others may think of me. Everything has become a comparison: her hair is more beautiful, his words are more witty, her arms are skinnier, she serves so selflessly, I'm worthless. I've gained 20 pounds since my college days. Everybody probably looks at me and thinks, "Wow. She has definitely gained weight since she got married." My waist isn't thin enough. I don't cook as well as she does, I don't work as hard as he does...

It consumes me. Every thought is some form of judgment. Every minor weakness is just a confirmation of my worthlessness.

As summer continued, I told myself it was not a problem and instead of fighting it fed it because that's easier. I have tried to volunteer to help others, tried to be productive in some way, but then I listened as the adversary whispered, "You can't do it well anyway. You're not even that good. Besides, nobody wants to spend time with you." I allowed myself to believe that I'm even more of a failure and even more alone. Worth nothing because I can do nothing.

Within only two months of time, I have forgotten completely how to hear the sweet, comforting words of my Savior. I have felt the Spirit, but have consistently declined to believe it. Instead, I have welcomed in the slimy, degrading thoughts from the adversary.

Lately, I've been trying to change and it has been HARD. You see, I am a daughter of God. I have worth, and influence. Maybe not a lot now, but I will someday have a world of influence as a mother. And the devil knows it. He doesn't want me to know it, or to use it. He has been fighting to convince me that I am not enough. That I don't measure up.

But I do.

A few weeks ago I set the song below as my Sunday morning alarm. I picked it because it starts off sweetly and calmly. This Sunday was the first that I actually listened to the message rather than hit snooze.

...

In this world it seems 

You may never be enough

Don't let anyone 

Convince you that it's true

So much beauty 

Lives inside of you

You are enough

Just look up

Remember you are greatest

When you walk with God

When his light is in your eyes

You are truly strong

You don't have to prove your beauty

In the eyes of men

You are divine within

You were sent here to become like Him

"To Become Like Him" - Jenny Phillips

Like the woman mentioned in President Uchdorf's talk, I have come to realize that I am worth something (read it if you haven't). Accepting that a crumpled up dollar bill has as much worth as a crisp new one seems simple. It's not.

I made this to remind myself, though.

I am trying. I'm asking my Savior to be my friend once more, and seeking to find His peace. And I will overcome. Because I'm not a failure. Because I am not alone.

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Phillipians 4:13

Bad at Baking

I really enjoy making things.

Sometimes, I stop thinking. Like last night, when I put the vegetables on the stove to be steamed, but never turned on the burner. Or the other time when I didn't turn on the burner to cook rice. Or how I have forgotten to turn on the oven to cook chicken...

A friend gave me a zucchini (so kind of her), and I've been wanting to make zucchini bread for a while now. I pulled up a recipe, and realized that I had exactly half of the amount of vegetable oil that was required in the recipe.

Okay. Cut the recipe in half. Easy. I'm a math teacher. I can divide by two.

Halfway through mixing I forgot I was halving the recipe, and started putting in full amounts of ingredients. Oops. I ran to the store to get the rest of what I was missing, and quickly doubled everything that was previously halved and finished making the batter/dough.

Blunder solved! Because I'm a math teacher and can multiply by two.

I tried to put away the flour. Instead, it ended up staying on the kitchen floor.

You see, we ran out of flour a week or so ago, so Hiram bought a HUGE bag of it. I've been carrying it around by holding it inside of a plastic grocery bag (the flour leaks otherwise). When I picked it up to move it back to our shelves, the grocery bag split and I spilled the flour. I was holding the flour bag AND the plastic bag, but apparently it was too heavy to hold steady. My black shorts changed to a nice white and grey, and the floor was looking pretty nice, too.

I grabbed the broom and the swiffer and fixed my mess.

FINALLY, I started pouring the batter into bread and muffin pans. After I had dished almost all of it into the pans, I realized that there was about a teaspoon of nutmeg at the bottom of the mixing bowl. So, I scooped out all of the batter, put it back into the bowl, and mixed more thoroughly.

For a second time, I scooped out all of the batter into the baking pans. I set the pans into our oven. You would think I would be able to relax and wait and read Harry Potter (since it's his birthday). But no... I don't trust our oven.

Let me explain: our oven is temperamental. Sometimes it takes 10 minutes to preheat. Other times it can be turned on for over an hour and nothing will happen. I can bake the same recipe over and over and produce something different every time.

I don't trust our oven.

After forty minutes (when they should have been done), the muffins and bread had risen about a half inch, but were extremely watery. I closed the oven door and reset the timer for ten more minutes. After about five minutes, I smelled smoke. I opened the oven door, and saw that the batter had overflowed the bread pans and was burning on the oven floor.

I actually saw flames. Small ones, though.

As this was my first oven fire, I think I did a good job. I made sure the fire was out, took out everything that was still baking as well as the rack that had batter. I scooped out some of the zucchini bread batter and put the bread pans back in the oven on a new, clean rack and on top of a cookie sheet. Then I let the zucchini bread continue baking. I opened up tons of windows and turned on all of our fans. I'm still curious as to whether Hiram will smell the smoke when he comes home...

The muffins came out a little interesting, but the bread is perfect. Which is wonderful because I'm keeping the muffins and giving the bread away.

Weird muffin. Awesome bread. Raw zucchini for me to bake tomorrow.

What I learned from this experience:

• Always check how many ingredients I have before baking
• Don't trust plastic bags
• Put less batter in my pans (really, I filled them about 3/4 of the way, and thought this would be fine since that works for banana bread)
• Bake in someone else's oven 

Family: What it means to me

I've been thinking about how to write this post for a few weeks now. Many things in my life lately have been focusing around family (such as my anniversary and TWO family reunions this week).

Family as an idea has always had a great impact on me. Since before I can remember, I've cried in movies when the scene focuses on the family unit. I cry when a family is separated (Bambi, The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning, Dumbo, Brave, or any Disney movie you can name), and I cry when families are formed (have you ever watched Meet the Robinsons? Tangled? Tear-jerkers!). I have no shame. Those scenes are focused such a precious and important blessing.

Anyone who has spent a half hour with me knows I talk about my family. A lot.
Because they matter to me. A lot.

The family is so important that the Lord asked his prophets and apostles in this dispensation to clarify:

WE, THE FIRST PRESIDENCY and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.
(The Family: A Proclamation to the World, emphasis added)

I've reflected on how the family can be central to the Creator's plan. For the past ten years, I have often found during scripture study that the verses frequently speak of family organization and leadership. I have been taught that the family is important, that without a family one cannot complete the ordinances to live eternally with the Father. I know that as stated in Genesis Chapter 2 and in other modern revelation, the first commandment Adam and Eve received "pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife" (The Family: A Proclamation to the World).

I have felt in my heart the joy that can come from spending time with family, and spending time on family. I have felt the peace that comes from researching family lines, learning about them, and completing their work. I know by experience that family is essential to happiness now, which leads me to believe that family is essential to happiness in the eternities as well.

I know that being in a family can teach you qualities essential to eternal happiness. In my familial relationships, I have learned (and am still learning) how to be patient and humble, how to find the positive lesson in a situation, how to love, how to serve, and how to press on.

Just recently, as Hiram taught a fantastic Sunday School lesson, I was reflecting on how our families can protect us from deception. Just in our sweet little family of two, I've recognized a difference in my life. It comes from me focusing on him and his needs rather than my own. My decisions no longer affect only me. They affect Hiram, and our future children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.

I don't read the scriptures for personal enlightenment. I don't pray for individual guidance. I study so I can be wise and worthy enough to stand equally alongside my husband as we work and progress towards eternal life. I pray to build a stronger relationship with my Father in Heaven, so that when trials come I can be firm in the faith of my Savior Jesus Christ, and teach my children to do so as well. My efforts have changed from personal and even selfish to selfless. My life is not just my own, it's my family's.

I don't think this is unique. Hiram and I have both seen our parents make decisions that were better for the family than for themselves. My own father has traded family for perhaps a more satisfying career. My mother has devoted her intelligence, creativity, and enthusiasm to raising six very different (and often difficult) children. I see my friends working hard in school not so they can climb the ladder of success, but so that they can raise their families on a higher plane. My sisters-in-law sacrifice time, talents, and sleep to the raising of their little sons as their husbands work so hard.

Ten years ago, Elder L. Tom Perry of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles stated, "In a world of turmoil and uncertainty, it is more important than ever to make our families the center of our lives and the top of our priorities." (The Importance of the Family, L. Tom Perry)

I am beginning to understand that the family is not only a central organizational establishment of our Heavenly Father's plan. The family has been given to us as a safeguard. It is not the home that can be a haven from the storms that rage in the world today, it is the family.

This is because when you are truly invested in your family, you are working for not only your well-being, but others. In doing so, you are forced to push aside pride. When you are truly invested in your family, you are given an added sense of accountability. Being focused on your family influences your thoughts, words, and actions. It prevents you from allowing the devil to deceive you, for you'll be more focused on loving, serving, studying, learning, praying, and pondering. When you are truly invested in your family, you will recognize that a strong relationship with Heavenly Father is necessary and essential.

In short, being part of a family saves a part of you.

How wonderful that our Heavenly Father has commanded us, encouraged us, and blessed us with this opportunity! How perfect that in one simple unit, we not only gain the experience we need to prepare us for eternal life but are given a reason to live righteously for others, not just for ourselves. I know that the family must be strengthened, as our prophets have stated so many times. I will be doing my best within my own.

I am so grateful for the blessing of families, both on this earth and in the eternities. I am especially grateful for the families I have been blessed with. They are beautiful inside and out, and have made my life beautiful as a result.

The Allen Family - July 7, 2012

The Jacob Family - July 7, 2012

To read more on the LDS perspective on families, you can visit the following:

• The Family: A Proclamation to the World
• Strengthening Families
• Families Can Be Together Forever - Mormon Message