Missing the Mark: New Year's Resolutions Drama

I've kind of lost my brain. I like to think of my normal brain as something like the London Tube Map:

Complicated, but somehow organized. My thoughts always have a process and always lead to real destinations.

Well, they used to.

Now my brain is like this:

Click on it to zoom in!

It doesn't matter where I begin.
It doesn't matter which "line" of thought I'm on (grading papers, talking to Hiram, walking anywhere, driving my car, planning a lesson, etc.).
My destinations have nothing to do with where I started or the connections that should be made.
And if I'm not thinking about BABY, my mind is blank.

I know that January is almost over, but I have yet to make solid New Year's resolutions. And I feel guilty. Goals are good things. Part of the reason I've struggled is because as soon as I sit down to think, my mind wanders (see above map for details). Another part can be explained through a past experience of mine.

The summer that Hiram and I got married I was a level leader at a girl's camp in California. For one of our activities, we shot rifles at a shooting range. This was my second time shooting a gun, and I had no idea how I'd do. Here are my results:

The man who was running the rifle range brought my target to me and told me I was a "______ good shot." He complimented me on only making four holes with the eight shots I took, because that meant I hit the same spots a few times in a row.

I felt pretty good about myself.

He blamed the inaccuracy of my hits on the sights on the rifle. Because let's be honest, I was nowhere near the center of the target. He said that if the sights were aligned properly, I should have been able to hit "within the 10" the whole time.

I keep this target paper in my journal to remind me of a really important principle:

Consistency only matters if your focus is centered.

I've struggled with my New Year's resolutions not because I can't keep them. I'm pretty sure I can. But I am insecure with setting goals because I feel like I don't quite understand where I want to end up. What's the point of making a goal if you don't know what you really want to accomplish? What if I put forth large amounts of effort just to find out that I'm off-target at the end?

So before I can make specific goals, I need to make sure my sights are aligned.

Here are some of my thoughts:

Personal:

• I'd like to be someone who puts my family over myself
• I want to focus on my husband's needs before my own and provide him support
• I want to be an educated, patient, and compassionate mother
• I want to view people and experiences from a positive perspective
• I want to be diligent and focused in my efforts (whatever they may be)

Spiritual:

• I would like to have my actions reflect my level of dedication/desire
• I want to be able to see the hand of God in my daily life
• I want to be malleable and able to be used as an instrument in God's hands

Professional:

• I would like to focus more on the individual needs of students rather than the collective needs of my class or curriculum
• I would like to be considered reliable and responsible by my colleagues

I understand that to become who I want to become, I need to act. I will probably spend more time refining this list and aligning my sights, and then set specific goals. (Well, as long as I can refrain from browsing baby items on Amazon.)

Who do you want to become? What are your goals?
Do you have any advice for achieving them?

Advice on Advice

My life is Hiram, school, and pregnancy.

I could write about how much I love Hiram. I could write about how he makes my lunch every morning and now goes outside in the ONE DEGREE BUT FEELS LIKE -15 WITH THE WINDCHILL weather to scrape the snow off my car. I could write about how he is working so unbelievably hard or I could write about how tenderly he snuggles with me and gives me butterfly kisses with his eyelashes. But nobody wants to hear about that...

I'm also pretty sure nobody wants to hear about my job. I teach junior high and I teach math. One or both are usually unpleasant memories/subjects to the general public. (I enjoy my job.)

And then I've had some issues with talking about my pregnancy on here because I'm scared of receiving advice. And I'm not alone in this. I actually have a few other friends who are pregnant and haven't announced anything to friends/coworkers simply because they do not want advice.

That doesn't mean that I want to enter my motherhood ignorantly. I want advice.

I just want to ask for it first. 

So here's a semi-hypocritical post, because I'm going to share some simple advice on giving advice regarding pregnancy and parenthood:

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1. Remember that pregnancy and parenthood are personal. Opinions are not objective. I personally love large families and have always wanted one of my own. I cannot wait to be a mother and consider motherhood a wonderful way to exercise the creativity and intelligence I have been blessed with and have worked on developing.

Goodness, I know others don't feel this way. I remember my mother being asked if "all those children came from the same father", and I clearly remember an elementary teacher mocking my parents for having (at the point) five kids. The comment took maybe three seconds to say, but it has stuck for over ten years and still kind of hurts.

Even though I view motherhood as a high calling, I have made a personal commitment never to ask a friend or colleague when or even if they are starting their own family. Choosing if or when to get pregnant is personal. If or when that works out is also personal. And so is how a parent raises his or her children. It's personal.

So be very very careful with your questions and comments. Please.

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2. Give advice when it's asked for. A beautiful blessing of today's technology is the opportunity to research any topic for practically immediate answers. However, I feel like a result is the polarizing of opinions on everything. 

Pro-Abortion or Pro-Life? Breastfeed or bottle-feed? Circumcision or no? Medicated labor or natural birth? Vaccinations: beneficial or evil? Let's not start on education...

If I've learned anything from being an older sibling, it's to let others learn for themselves. I still struggle with that. I am a teacher. I think, I learn, and then I teach.

But deeper than my desire to teach (which is very, very deep) is my belief that we have an inherent ability and right to make our own decisions and form our own opinions. We all have agency. So we can each make decisions.

Let's each try a little harder to hold back our perspective on these topics unless it's asked for. Otherwise, let's allow others to exercise their agency and make an educated decision.

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3. Remember that every situation/child is unique. One of the reasons I'm so looking forward to motherhood is the opportunity to figure out each of my children. My parents were excellent examples of meeting our individual needs. Parenting strategies that worked on me did not necessarily apply to Terra, and what worked with Terra didn't help Drake. So my parents focused on individual needs and we were each raised differently.

Parents raise children differently from family to family. Different discipline, different expectations, and different doctrine.

This isn't just applying to parenthood, though.

It can apply to whether or not a couple desires to get pregnant. I have been waiting to be a mother since I was maybe two years old... but that doesn't mean that every girl feels that way. Each couple may have different reasons and different priorities.

It can apply to whether or not a couple can get pregnant. Perhaps it appears that a couple is just waiting for the right time, maybe that's even what they have told you. But that doesn't mean that they haven't seen a doctor multiple times, or experienced multiple miscarriages.

It can apply to a pregnancy and how a mother can handle her health. I have two friends that have been extremely sick throughout their entire pregnancies. Personally, I have not even thrown up yet. It is much easier for me to stay hydrated and keep food down, but I've been so exhausted that even thinking about exercising after teaching a full day at school is overwhelming.

We need to remember that we don't know really what is happening in another's life. Only our own. So let's each try to refrain from making assumptions.

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4. Refrain from commenting on a pregnant woman's body. Or any woman's body.

Even though I'm only 15 weeks and apparently "not showing", I am bigger. I had a mini breakdown a week or so ago after repeatedly hearing that I don't look any different.

My thoughts were, "I am different. I can't fit in skirts or pants that I used to wear. I can't suck in my tummy. I'm already uncomfortable with my size. And if you think I look the same then I must usually look fat."

Luckily, Hiram gives me all the love and confidence that I can't find on my own, so I am fine now.
But for a couple of days I started thinking of ways to lose weight (um, ... what?) and wanted to buy a completely new wardrobe so I wouldn't feel bad every time I put on an ill-fitting article.

I can only imagine it will get worse. Right now I want people to recognize my size. In about five months, I'll be tired of the comments and ready for things to go back to normal.

Tell us that we're beautiful. Ask us how we are. Compliment us on our cheerful attitude or hard-work despite the fact that our bodies are making other beings. All of those are more than welcome! :)

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5. Thumper's Rule: "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all." Even if you don't think that a couple should be having a third child, tell them congratulations! Be happy for them! Support others in their choices.

Love them.

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Thank you for reading. Please let me know what you think. (This is me asking for advice.)

Update: Apparently comments aren't showing up. I'd still love your feedback. Feel free to email me by clicking on the email button above our picture.

Update on the Hiram and Cebre Jacob Family...

I feel like saying that school just started and I've been busy and haven't posted... but it's now been in session for over two months.

So here are some updates:

Since the first week of school, we've been living in Hiram's parents' basement. Life kind of got crazy then. It was a quick decision and a fast move AND in the middle of everything starting (like school). 

His parents have been such wonderful hosts, and they've been so kind allowing us to save up for graduate school. It's been an adjustment changing from south-campus and socializing with peers every week to living in Orem, but we are so grateful for the changes. (On a side note: Friends from BYU, we miss you! Please invite us to your social events...)

Hiram is in his senior year of undergraduate school. He works as a registrar at a hospital nearby, and his shifts are twelve hours long. He's working super hard all the time, and spends his free time making life easier for me. Really. His selflessness and love is incredible and I'm not sure I can ever match them. 

I am teaching eighth grade math for the second year in a row. I've really loved being able to improve and alter what I did last year, and I've found that last year's (sometimes really rough) experiences have given me large amounts of perspective and patience. I've also been able to accept the eighth-grade mentality a little more, but I am getting nervous that my main social scene is with thirteen-year-olds.

Both of us have been counting down the weeks until school is over.

Not because Hiram is graduating.

Not because I love summer and the fact that during it I can read an entire book without feeling guilty for not grading once.

We are counting down the weeks because we're having a baby!

That's right. 

We're pregnant.

I say "we" even though I'm the actual one who is carrying a plum-sized baby around, because I've let the words "my baby" slip maybe twice and Hiram has never let me forget it. 

Our baby will be super cute, with blue eyes and probably brown hair. That's all we know at this point.

Just like we hoped, our baby is due around the end of the school year. I was seriously stressing out about substitutes (I don't trust them) and end-of-year testing and even more-so stressing out about coming back after a six-week maternity leave. This way, I'll be able to be home with our child for a few months before starting off a brand new year.

So far, we've been blessed with an easy first trimester, although Hiram is looking forward to me having a "surge of energy" (something he read about...) at some point in the second. So far, I've been a zombie and want about ten hours of sleep every night. Hiram, not being pregnant, does not need ten hours of sleep.

Favorite moments so far:

• When my sister-in-law (who is fourteen) said, "Cebre! You can't be bending over!" when I picked up something I dropped off the floor. This is her first time living with a pregnant lady. FYI, I will pick things off the floor as long as I am able.
• When I was explaining my pregnancy symptoms to my parents and my dad said, "Oh. I know what that feels like. I feel like that all the time."
• When we told my family and James immediately started compiling a list of possible names from everyone. Just so you all know, we are NOT allowed to name our son (if it's a boy) "Luke Skywalker", because James reserved that.
• When we told Hiram's family and nobody believed us for a moment because Hiram has "cried wolf" too many times in the past year and a half.
• How after a week of telling our family our nephew asked, "CEBRE! HAVE YOU HAD YOUR BABY YET?" (He's four.)
• When we heard the miraculous "whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh" of our baby's heartbeat.

We're very excited and feeling extremely grateful. Thank you for being excited with us! Look forward to more posts about pregnancy, since the secret is out!

Also, if you're curious at how cute our baby will be, here are some of our old baby pictures to guess from: