Humility and Hope

It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He willnot forsake us. … If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers. - Gordon B. Hinckley

 I haven't posted for months because my life has been a whirlwind.  It's really simply been all over the place.  When I got back from London, some things that I were expecting to stay the same changed, and I completely forgot about the experiences I had in London in trying to move on.

Despite the fact that London may be the biggest city I've ever been to, life was slow there.  I loved it!  It was like my childhood again--slow, golden, and fresh.  I could soak everything in.  EVERYTHING.  And I forgot about that.

I came back to Provo, and got into what I'll call a "busy rut."  I simply had to keep going.  There were not any other options!  I had to do my homework, and I had to get good grades so that I could keep my scholarship, and I had to keep my scholarship so that I could go to school, and I had to go to school so that I could graduate... early.

Then, VOILA! Fall semester started.  It felt about that quick, too.

In retrospect, I'm shocked that it is November! What on earth did I do with all that time?
Oh wait... I was in a busy rut.  A busy busy busy rut.

And for the first time in my life, I was not handling it.  It felt impossible.  I'm  okay with not being the best, but I just can't justify not doing my best.  And I wasn't!  I WAS NOT DOING MY BEST.  I was not working to the fullest extent, I wasn't turning in all of my assignments, or spending enough time on them to actually understand the content.  I wasn't there as a friend, or a sister.  I just... wasn't.

Then, I failed my first exam.  Despite all of my high school beliefs, it didn't kill me! I was still passing the class, and I knew that I could still do semi-well if I just buckled down and studied.

But something was wrong.
I couldn't function.  I stopped talking to my friends, but even more weird, I stopped wanting to talk to my friends.  I couldn't eat more than half of each meal.  I couldn't sleep peacefully.  I couldn't think.

Luckily, this week was Missionary Week in Helaman Halls.  At first I resented it.  I mean, really?  The RA's already have soooo much going on, and to add a few more responsibilities? and to make us wear skirts in the COLD WINTER WEATHER!?  Seriously.

But I participated.  Arise at 6:30, be in bed by 10:30.  Prayer, Companionship Study, Personal Study, Fasting, etc.  I attended this week's devotional given by Elder Claudio R. M. Costa, and attended the Temple, and I received the greatest blessings in response.

Sometimes, it is necessary to prioritize.  Not just prioritize whether it's more important to do laundry or to eat dinner first, but to really decide what to cut out of your life, because you simply do not have the time to do everything important.  So I withdrew from that class that I received an F in.  It was hard.  It was hard recognizing the withdrawal not as a weakness, but as a strength.  I had to take responsibility for my future, but more importantly, I had to recognize that my will and my plans are not necessarily the most important.

I knew that my life was supposed to be slower.  I've received that impression before.  But I let it slip, and let myself get caught up in my busy, but beautiful, life.  Yet still something was wrong.  I was unsettled, and it wasn't until last night that I truly accepted God's will as my own.  Now, I feel a peace that I haven't felt since I attended the London England Temple.  I have been promised this peace for eternity.  Perhaps not from NOW until eternity, for I know that times will come in my life again when I will be confused, and alone, and hurt.  I still know, however, that the promise of eternal rest is real.  And I know that it will indeed all work out.